Perhaps HP stands for How Pathetic

Our Hewlett Packard all in one printer / scanner / copier / arse wiper packed up after a thoroughly miserablely stingy one year and 5 days of low frequency usage. It could never have claimed to be overworked, unless you count a 30 page document as some kind of traumatic marathon. We didn't even use all the cute little new features like scanning - all we needed it for was copying and printing, and not too much of that either. But still that was too much for its wee heart to cope with.

And so, this technological marvel has already firmly bitten the dust. First though, I went through the troubleshooter and saw how much trouble the company go through to keep the pesky things working, or to try to keep you believing they actually care about you once you've bought their nasty products. I sent several tetchy emails to the technical support crew (Total Care I think they call it, which is sort of unintentionally hilarious) to no avail. The chap suggested taking the back off and cleaning the rollers, and more complicated this - turning it on and off several times. I wasn't surprised when it farted its last and TechnoMan stopped writing to me.

So it all got me thinking - just why are they making these machines so impossibly complicated when all most people want them to do is copy and print? Why all the pointless add-ons? If a machine is £120 you can guess that plenty of that went on paying for these useless bits and pieces that never get used but HP thinks will get people to buy their stuff. Well, it's all stuff and nonsense - we just want something that we can trust will work when urgently needed - that's all folks.

It seems technology has to go on this pathetic perpetual march forward when all we want is stuff that works. There's no point having the best computer in the world if the sod can't cope with a few simple tasks. That seems too much to ask in this age of gimmicks, of the 'New Improved!' version which turns out to be more flashy but more prone to breakdowns usually when needed the most. And these days the people who design them, and the people who work in their customer support departments, simply can't keep up. They just don't realise how much we're all crying out for something that works well, doesn't complain when pushed a bit, and, important this, doesn't collapse right after the guarantee is up.

So, whatever you do, steer away from HP, and forget Lexmark too - their standards are little higher than trash. Choose Canon or go elsewhere, and ask for a printer that prints - not a multifuctional showcase whose only raison d'etre is to look good, burn fast and die young.