Yet more proof that god does not exist

John Smith, Robin Cook and Mo Mowlam all die well before their time, yet Peter Mandleson still lives. Yeah, good one.

Have never been the same since I nearly gagged on an octopus

I thought I could handle sushi in all its wriggly forms. That was until a few months back when a particularly chewy octopus simply wouldn't go down. I had to go to the bathroom and was an embarrassingly long time in there composing myself. My g-friend thought I'd died.

Chicken and chips from now on.