my girlfriend says that I'm a total nightmare

She's staring bog-eyed at her computer whilst I do the same with mine. Only I've recently made myself a curry and have a cold, so just when she's attempting to reach a balletic pirouetting high kicking triple salco on her MA essay I am crashing around, blowing up the microwave, slamming cupboard doors, sneezing and farting, all at the same time. The eye rolling is taking on Bette Davis proportions. Damn this girl can act.

I tell her that her eye rolling is just like her mother. Things may be thrown and smashed any time soon. She twizzles her hair and looks oh so seriously school-ma'am-ish, as if her MA, seeing as its been paid for, far outranks my 'novel in progress'. I'm editing too damnit!

The last cold I had, not more than 6 weeks ago, precipitated such an alarming degree of furious nose blowing that I perforated my eardrums. Blood has never come out of my ears before. I didn't sleep for four days such was the discomfort, but I got through quite a few novels. This week I got another cold and broke a tooth. And yesterday I knocked over another glass of wine, smashing that and soaking the sofa, or rather her sofa, the one she sits on to work on 'her' computer.

I must've smashed 6 glasses in the last 4 months (she says 8) - it's not the money or the inconvenience of buying more, but the alarming thought that I may have finally turned into my oldest brother, who's actually been doing the glass smashing, ketchup down the shirt, foot through the newly decorated floorboards type stuff for years. I have become him. I even sniff like him. Whilst he is now losing weight I am putting it on. I have become clumsy whilst he has joined a ballet class. Okay, the last one's a joke but this role reversal type thing could be the X Files. Only we don't have to watch that total cretin who smokes all the time and looks mysterious. Why do they have to make him smoke every single stinking time he's on screen? Do they think we'll forget which character he is? Doesn't he ever take a break? Watching people smoke is as pleasant as watching people pick their nose and eat the contents, the pathetic way they drag the smoke back in their mouths. I am an ex-smoker, obviously, but I saw the light. And I sensed the stench. Me and the G-friend both want the Cancer Man assassinated almost at any price, and the G-F is a pacifist as far as I'm aware. She's the kinda girl who'd prefer to let a thief take all our stuff rather than let me beat the living crap out of them.

I've now been called 'a snorting bull' - can you believe this? Okay, I am a bit of a nightmare but sweetie pie, it's just a blip, really it is.